Your paper flows nicely; however, at times, it seems that you are just responding to what the authors have written instead of making it your own. You also refrain from telling the reader the whole situation, such as in your second paragraph: "I believe we are making an improvement." Making an improvement in what? You also use many "I Statements," or statements starting with "I believe" or "I think." You can just drop the "I" part and it makes your argument stronger :)
- The outside source of Merzenich is very strong-great use
- You make very excellent points but they are so scattered and not tied together. Each paragraph introduces a new and different idea that has very little to do with the paragraph before it.
Your paper flows nicely; however, at times, it seems that you are just responding to what the authors have written instead of making it your own. You also refrain from telling the reader the whole situation, such as in your second paragraph: "I believe we are making an improvement." Making an improvement in what? You also use many "I Statements," or statements starting with "I believe" or "I think." You can just drop the "I" part and it makes your argument stronger :)
ReplyDelete- I agree with Luke on the "I statements"
ReplyDelete- I really like your intro
- The outside source of Merzenich is very strong-great use
- You make very excellent points but they are so scattered and not tied together. Each paragraph introduces a new and different idea that has very little to do with the paragraph before it.